I wrote this in the car last night as I was going to bed. We are currently in Whitehorse, Canada, specifically, Starbucks.
I couldn't leave on Tuesday, like I'd planned due to car troubles...
The aurora was out on my final night. And boy did it send me off with something to remember. It was the most unique and exciting scenes I've ever seen. You hear people say that a lot, but trust me, it was. We laid on top of the chicken coop and all simultaneously let out different versions of our own vocal awe at one particular moment. It was frighteningly haunting. Dillon and Brandon had to catch a flight at 1:30am or we wouldn't have ever known it was happening. We debated on waking Naomi, knowing these things don't last long, and when we did, it promptly ended. Brandon took some photos and I hope to see the one of all of our silhouettes agains the sky one day. It was a dreamy and loving goodbye from my home country. I wanted to cry, but my roommates have this shared enjoyment of picking on each other, so I just smiled in the dark like an over-eager child.
I wrote poems for everyone in the house and a few others in town on topics of their choice, “constellations, Miss Pink Dog, penis worms, winter, Welcome (new roommate). I'm incredibly proud of Miss Pink. She was Naomi's dog and everyone's shared love until she passed away last month. We all miss her terribly. On Instagram, follow the hashtag, #misspinkdog to witness the community of appreciation for this amazing creature.
The night before I left I dreamt of my first love. The only person to break my heart completely. It was different than previous dreams I have had. He appears in my dreams periodically, and I am always seeking his love and attention but never quite achieving it. It's usually based in an apocalyptic setting or something terrifying and in the dreams, I am so fervent and focused on winning him over, I ignore the dilemma and usually wake as I am dying or right as I achieve whatever I wanted from him. This night, I am the hero and he is seeking my help. I am strong and manly. I am saving the day and in the background, it appears he is following me around. In my sleep, I recognize this difference. I am conscious of this difference in my dream narrative. I wake myself in the dream because I do not want him to achieve this connection. I don't want it realized. In my dream, I understand that I don't want it. I wake with a feeling of loss, an emptiness. I have lived with this reoccurring dream for so long now. I lay there and begin to believe that this period is over in my life. I've outgrown this nightmare.
Near Salcha, AK, I began to frantically plan ways in which I could follow this dream and maintain the life I love in Fairbanks. The painful fear of imminent failure ballooned my abdomen and I felt like I needed to pull over and put a paper bag on my head. I was listening to an album a friend had made me and right as my anxiety began to peak, a moose came barreling out from the woods. Since I was seventeen years old, a scared, troubled girl who found herself in a christian community in the middle of nowhere, moose have been my sign from the universe that everything is going to be okay. Time waned a little slower for a moment and I noticed the lyrics of the song were, “Everything's going to be alright.” Of course I began to cry, immediately. I felt so well taken care of and loved. I alternate between crazy excited and confident and “Oh my god, what am I doing??!” What continues to convince me and even encourage me is that fear. That is where I find the Becca I like. It are those moments where I have to remind myself of why this is important to me and what I am building here, not destroying. I am doing what I have always wanted to do, against the advice of others, and in spite of some of my biggest fears and strongest anxiety buttons. I am alone, and I can take care of myself. The best part is that I am having so much fun already. The trees and surrounding brush have been the most vibrant fall colors. It's been cloudy and causing a thin, mystical cumulonimbus to slither across the mountains. I am listening to an audiobook on Librivox called How to Analyze People on Sight Through the Science of Human Analysis written in the 1920's by Elsie Lincoln Benedict. Follow the link to listen to the book for free. I like Librivox because it allows you to download the entire book whole or by sections and therefore listen without wifi. I have found a happy rhythm driving and observing and listening.
I was so anxious about crossing the border into Canada. I've wanted to go to Canada SO BAD for SO LONG. I have no idea why. I want to eat poutine, I want to see a Monty (a monty!), I want to meet these nice people everyone talks about and use up the collection of Canadian coins I have from who knows where. But, also, I am childishly frightened of Borders, and customs agents, whether they are in airports or on land. I'm never prepared and always caught off guard and they never laugh at my jokes. The best experience was listening to the customs agent in the Madrid airport rant about Tenali mountain (Denali) and inviting him to stay with me when he visited. The worst was being screamed at in the London airport and almost being turned away because I couldn’t prove I had any money or even a reason to be there. I had the money, just no internet on my phone to prove it. I kept imaging each possible scenario that could happen...Monty's medicine being in clear capsules, no registration in my car, prove you have money, what's this speeding ticket you have here? Turns out the agent is a fellow cat lady, who laughed at my cat jokes and pet Monty and just handed to passport back and said have a great visit and I LOVE CANADA.
Monty loves Canada, too. He's tried to explore it further...twice. I keep having to tighten his harness and smoosh his face backwards as I exit the vehicle. He walks around outside okay, as long as he's in charge. I keep thinking he's just very well trained, but i'm pretty sure he just thinks he's escaping because he keeps looking back at me like, “Why are you following me?!” He also hasn't pooped, and that worries me. I've got the litter box available in the car, so I'm sure I'll know when it happens.
Whitehorse is large, like Anchorage large. It feels weird to be around other people and have so much room to roam outside of the car. I plan on finding some Poutine, which isn't what it sounds like, walking Monty and then heading out again for another five hours or so. I find myself having loads of energy late at night. The only problem is I can't see. I plan on stopping into Vancouver, but that's another 28 hours of driving. Hopefully, everything goes smoothly until then and I can find wifi at least one more time.